Showing posts with label Tagalog jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tagalog jokes. Show all posts

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Nurses Talk - Enjoy life with your cellphone, one way to put a smile in someone's face is through jokes and humorous messages, cellphone is one way to make someone smile send them now with funny sms quotes. Make their day full of fun and smiles.
More Quotes

There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of course a donkey to pay her bills!!
Do you take me 2 be ur lawfully loveable friend, 2 have and 2 hold, 4 rich quotes or corny jokes, in text messaging & in poor signal, till low batt do us part?
Husbd: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle. Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
Teacher: Why is your nose red? Max: I smelled a b-rose. Teacher: But there is no "b" in rose. Max: There was in this one!
Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now..... sorry I have to leave, I can't find a brain.
What happened 2 ur network? I tried 2 call u but the operator said "Welcome 2 the jungle, the monkey u r trying to call is on the tree....Plz try later."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.
A good friend is like a computer I 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory! Lucio Tan said, if a man has only 1 wife, wife often fights man; if man has 2 wives, wives fight each other; but if man has 4 wives, the wives play mahjong.

Fact 1: You cannot touch your lower lip with your tongue. Fact 2: After reading this, 99/100 idiots would try it. =)
Man went to confession. Man: Father, during the war, a beautiful young lady asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in the attic. Father: That's a very good gesture, you need not confess. Man: But as the days went, she repaid me with daily sexual favors. Father: That is still forgiven my son. Man: But I have another question. Father: What is it my son? Man: Shall I tell her the war is over? =)
Lady: Teach me how to play badminton. Coach: Hold the racket the way you hold your husband's cock. Lady: Ok. Coach: No! No! Ma'am, please take the racket out of your mouth! Hahaha!
Who said fill in the blank is very easy? Try this. Fill in the blank with Yes or No. "___, I am not a normal person."
Wife stands in front of a mirror and tells husband, "I'm ugly, my boobs are sagging, my ass is too fat. Give me a compliment." Husband: "You have a very good eyesight."
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Hubby and wife travelling by car, not talking after quarrel. Passing farm of goats, mules and pigs, hubby asked sarcastically, "Relative of yours?" Wife replied, "Yup, in-laws!"
Can you beat this logic? A man and his wife were getting divorce at a local court. The mother wants the custody of their children, but the father also wants the same. The mother said to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain the custody of them. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and said, "Judge, if I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belongs to me or to the machine?"
A man reads a book in bed next to his wife and his finger went to tickle his wife's pussy. Wife asks, "You want sex?" "No, just to wet my fingers to turn the page!"
Read each word reversely. A suomaf rotcod dlot em taht ylno latnem stneitap evah eht tnelat ot daer SMS neve nehw sti nettirw ylesrever
What is wrong with your phone? I tried calling you, but the operator said, "Welcome to the jungle! The monkey you are trying to call in on the tree. Please, try again later."
Army: I'm going to buy my wife a bra but I don't know the size. Saleslady: Don't worry sir, just touch my breast and try to estimate. Army: Oh, I forgot! She needs panty too!
A little boy was so jealous about his newborn brother so he put poison on the nipple of his mom while asleep. The next day, their driver died!
Short story... 2 friends, See and Saw. One day, See saw sea and Saw didn't see sea. See saw sea and jumped in sea. Saw didn't see sea but jumped in sea. See saw Saw in sea and Saw saw See in sea. See saw both Saw and sea and both Saw and See were happy to see sea.
I ask God to bless you, guide you, keep you safe, give you peace, give you love and joy and cash everyday.
There maybe those on earth who dress better or eat better, but those who dream of me sleep better and wake up happier! Good night!
Today is international day for people with special needs. Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, or occasionally bang your head on a wall. You hang in there, sunshine, you're special! =)
News: GMA kidnapped by terrorists. $5 million ransom demand or she'll be set on fire. All donations appreciated... so far, 500,000 liters of gasoline received! Hahaha!
A good husband was asked. Do you sleep with other women? He replied: I sleep only with my wife. With other women, I stay awake all the time!
Police arrests a prostitute who protests: I am not selling sex! Cop: Then, what are you doing? Prostitute: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms and offering free demo!
To Whom It May Concern: Please be notified that the most beautiful creation of God is preparing to sleep... Send your greetings now while she's still awake. Good night! :)
Ever wonder why the sun LIGHTENS our hair, but DARKENS our skin? Why is it that to STOP Windows 98, you have to click START? Why is 'ABBREVIATED' such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do PRACTICE? Why is the man who invests all your money called BROKER?
Erap to Taxi: To the airport hurry! 1st sign airport 50m, 2nd sign airport 10m, 3rd sign airport Left! Erap: You stupid, you're too slow, the airport already left!
I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're grown up, I have one question, What happened?!
Salesgirl: Sir, you can't smoke here. Customer: But I bought these cigars from your store. Salesgirl: We sell condoms also, but it doesn't mean that you can f*ck here.
I want to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in six months! Lawyer: Better think it over, wives like that are very hard to find!
A girl phone a guy, "Come on over, there's nobody home..." When the guy got there, there was nobody home. Hahaha!
Life is short, live it! Love is rare, grab it! Anger is bad, dump it! Fear is awful, face it! Memories are sweet, cherish it! Sender is cute, admit it! =)
Five reasons why I text you. You make me feel welcome (I assume). I make you smile (I suppose). You appreciate my thoughts (I hope). You spend time reading my message (I guess). You think I'm cute (I'm sure). =)
The secret of being young and gorgeous? Sleep the right amount of rest. Go with the right crowd. Exercise. Eat the right food and be my friend!
A guy wanted to lose weight. He went to a diet center. It offered plan A or B. He took plan A. He was then taken to a room wherein a good looking naked girl with a "If you catch me, you can f*ck me!" sign was waiting for him. He never caught her but he lost 50 lbs! After 3 days, he decided to try plan B, thinking that it should be better.
Excited, he quickly entered the room. A horse was in the room with a sign that says, "I will f*ck you if I catch you!" Waaaa!
Question: Why do Dracula's neighbors hate him? Answer: Because he is a pain in the neck!
7 days makes 1 week; 7 days of sex makes 1 weak; but no sex in a week makes 1 sick; however, good sex once a week makes 1 seek.
Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If not, please make all my friends fat. Amen!
How can a woman tell if she’s flat chested? She looks down on her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Sincere apology: If you do not like to read my SMS or don’t like to read or if my messages disturb you, then please don’t hesitate, feel free to throw your cellphone!
An elephant asked the camel, "Is that your boobs on your back?" The camel laughed and replied, "What a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face."
Text won't flow, everyone knows, when the load fades away. Text will die, and tears in your eyes, you've got to throw your phone up high! Yeah.. yeah. Throw your phone up high!
Life is full of rewards. If you eat properly, exercise and take good care of yourself for 60 years... what is your reward? A senior citizen card! 20% discount. =)
Quotes to live by: 1. Birds of the same feather are the same birds; 2. Do not do unto others what you can't do; 3. an apple a day is not an apple at night; 4. When the cat is away, the mouse is alone; 5. if others can do it, don't help; 6. tell me who you're friends are and i'll tell you mine; 7. early to bed and early to rise makes you sleepy in the afternoon;
A little bird was flying in winter. The bird froze and fell into the ground. A cow came by and dropped some dung on the bird. Bird realized how warm it was and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing, dig him out and ate him! Lessons to be learned from the story: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy; 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; and 3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! =)
I'm praying that our friendship will never come to an end. I'm wishing that it will last until you can see an apple in an orange tree on the 30th day of february. =)
Normal is boring! Paranormal is shocking! Criminal is horrifying! Homosexual is bading! And now, the abnormal is reading!!
70 million people are having sex right now! 40 million are planning to have sex. 30 million are dreaming of it and one expert is busy reading this message! =)
Promise me we are true friends. You are the roof, I am the ground. You are the floor, I am the tiles. You are the sun, I am the rays. I am the tree, you are the monkey.
As I watched the ants crawl upon the wall, I noticed that no matter how busy they are, they still stop and communicate. I hope, we could be like the ants, we could walk on the walls!
KISS is purely organic and naturally sweet, has no artificial ingredients and is 100% wholesome...Here's one for you...MMWAAAH! Have a nice day!
Judge: Why did you kill your husband? Wife: He fetched me from the office, took me to bedroom, removed my clothes, laid me on the bed, spread my legs and said... "joke, joke, joke!"
Da Vinci... Da Vinci Winchi spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out!

Pinoy SMS jokes

Pare1: pare bakit ka tulala!!
Pare2: asawa ko naghire ng driver guwapo, bata at macho
Pare1: bakit?? selos ka??
Pare2: hindi naman, shocked lang ako.. parang masarap siya!!!
This is very interesting. dagdag kaalaman din ito.
Chorva has its etymology from the greek word CHEORVAMUS meaning " for lack of the right word to say or in place of something
you want to express but you cannot verbalize"
amazing isn't it??
naniwala ka naman.. Chorva lang yun!!!
May ari: hoy!!! Huling huli kita!!! ikaw pala nagnanakaw ng niyog ko!! bumaba ka dyan!!!
Magnanakaw: huli kung huli!!! hindi yung ginugulat mo pa ako!!! eh paano kung mahulog ako dito!!! pakyu!!!
alam mo ba kung bakit hulog ka ng langit??
kasi bawal ka dun!!!
A nun riding a taxi
Driver: i'd like to ask a favor if i may, sister i've always fantasized kissing a nun
nun: ok but first you have to be a catholic, 2nd you have to be single
taxi driver: i am both catholic and single
so the nun fulfills the taxi driver fantasy and kiss him
driver: thank you but i must confess.. i lied to you.. i am married and im a muslim
Nun: thats ok.. im on my way to a costume party and my real name is BOYET!!!
Boy: Daddy?? how did i come into this world???
Dad: listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restroom of the cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. when dad finished uploading. we discovered we did not use firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus!!!
Kahit na magkalayo tayo.
Lagi mong isiping andito lang ako!!
Kaya kung nalulungkot at nag-iisa ka.
Just type my # 15
send to 808
Sure yun!!! reply me agad!!!
Ikaw pa!!!
Waaahhh.. grabe yung kasabay ko sa jeep sigeng kiss!!! hindi na nahiya!! gusto pa ng girl, inalis pa yung bra kita talaga yung boobs nya!! bata pa yung girl.. totoo!!! pero mas bata yung guy!!!
6 months!!!
Hinoldap si lumen
Pero dahil wais.. nilagay nya P500 sa panty
Kaya hindi nakuha,
Pero nang ibili nya sa grocery.. ayaw tanggapin.. fake daw!!!
nakalabas ang dila ni Ninoy!!!!
Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??
Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae
Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??
Lola: 93 anyos.
Pari: tingnan nyo si lola.. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit???
Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!!!
"Walang malayong kulangot sa mahabang kuko!!"
Napakagandang qoute.
It signifies determination, creativity and hope.
Sana na-inspire ka. ;)
Atty: Ano?? idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment!!! dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo!!!ano masama dun???
Girl: your honor, UNANO!!! ang boss ko.. UNANO!!!
You know how much i love you, pero sabi nila pag mahal mo ang isang tao, you have to set him free.. paano yan, if i set you free baka mangagat ka!!!
Anak: tay penge pera, bili ako ng sucherya!!!
Tatay: umayos ka nga!!! kakahiya ka!! baka may makarinig. hindi sucherya tawag dun...
Anak: ano po??
Tatay: JUMPFUDS!!!
Manghuhula: Magiging mapalad ka sa larangan ng sex.
Duduy: Wow!!! ibig nyong sabihin, marami akong makakasex???
Manghuhula: Hindi. Palad mo lang lagi ang makakasex mo!!!
Lalaki 1 : anong hayop ang in na in??
Lalaki 2: ano??
Lalaki 1: Bear...
Lalaki 2 : bakit bear??
Lalaki 1: kc OSO... pare OSO...
Lalaki 2 : ngehhh!!! mamatay ka sa kakornihan
Therapist: To what animal do you compare your penis???
Juan: Lion!!! its strong!!!
Pedro: giraffe!!! coz its long
Boy: Mouse!!!
Juan and Pedro: What??? Why mouse???
Boy: Coz its chased by pussies!!!
Pare 1: Ang gara ng sapatos mo pare!!!
Pare 2: Sorpresa ng misis ko..
Pare 1: saan nabili??
Pare 2: ewan ko!!! nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama kaninang umaga, may medyas pa nga eh!!!
Host: ilang taon na kayo lolo??mananawagan ba kayo??
Lolo: opo, 98 na po...
Host: Wow, tanda niyo na pala... sige po manawagan na kayo..
Lolo: kuya, umuwi ka na.. hindi na galit si daddy sa yo!!!
In the middle of a baptismal rite, the bishop officiating said:
"ang lambot ng ulo ng bata"
The pretty mother replied:
"Father, dede ko yan!!!!"
Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag congressman ka na???
Manny: Anong bill??yung tomotonog pagkatapos ng bawat round sa bukseng???
Isang araw, may isang Ponkan at isang apple sa loob ng ref.
Sabi ng apple.. WWWuuuu ang lammmeeegggg!!!
napasigaw si ponkan... wwwwaaahhhhh!!!!! nagsasalita yung mansanas!!!!
Speaker: who among you had experienced habing SEX with a ghost???
A farmer raised his hand.
Speaker: Really???!!! how does it feel to have sex with a ghost??
Farmer: ay puta!!! akala ko GOATS!!!
Klase ng mga mag-iinom
PASSAGE - mahilig mag-pass ng tagay
THE HIKER – palipat lipat ng puwesto, iwas tagay
THE MARTYR – nagpapanggap na kaya pa kahit senglot na
KID SENTI – madaming naaalala pag nakainom na
THE FUGITIVE - umuuwi ng walang paalam naglalahong parang bula
KUNG FU – KUNG FUmulutan malupet, tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang picnic
THE CHOSEN ONE – Official runner ng tindahan, bili yelo, yosi, alak
DEADMAN DRINKER – unang nalalasing
THE ORIGINALS – lage mong katagay
Ikaw??? Anong klase ka??
May nakikita sa akin sa dalampasigan…
“malungkot at nag-iisa”
Sabi niya..
“ kung mahal mo siya bakit hindi mo ipadama”
Sumagot ako..
“Adik ka ba??? Naiwan ako sa outing!!!
Mahal ka dyan!!!!”
Lola: sino yang kasama mo??!!!
Apo: BF ko po!!!!
Lola: aba bata ka pa.. lumalandi ka na.. pasok sa loob!!! At ikaw lalaki…
Friendship between Women: a woman did’nt come home one night, told husband that she had slept at her friends house. Husband called 10 of her friends but all said: “ no she wasn’t here”
Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night, told wife he had slept at a buddy’s place. Wife called 10 of his friends, 8 of them confirmed he had slept over and 2 even claimed he was still there!!!...
Getting angry is punishing yourself with the mistakes of others. So keep away from anger coz you’ll get wrinkles!! Tingnan mo ang betlog kulubot kc katabi niya galit palagi….
Anak: tay wala na naman tayo ulam ah…
AMA: mahirap ngayon ang buhay anak.. tiis muna tayo, isipin mo na lang bawat subo mo na sasabihin ko ulam yun anak…
Anak: Sige tay!!!
AMA: nilagang baboy!!!
Anak: hhhmmmm.. sarap…
Ama: sisig na isda!!!
Anak: huhuhuhuhuh L
AMA: bakit ka umiyak!!!
Anak: ang anghang tay!!!
Tinanong ko ang lolo ko…
“masakit po ba talaga ang magmahal ng lubos??”
Ang sabi ni lolo,
"Apo, rich tayo.. ayos lang magmahal ang pulbos"

Nurses Talk corner
We are giving you up Nurses funny jokes for you to enjoy your duty periods... Enjoy!
 Isang pinoy
napropos sasa Pinayn mnmhal..upngmapasgotang grl,pnaghandaanang sa2bhn..Boy:"Wil u b myweding?"Girl:hahaha!Boy:"wats lafing??"Girl:"wRong Gramming!" -----------------------------------------------